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jessica | 17 | i l

my name's jessica, and i like things that rhyme. i have horrible habits, like procrastinating and biting my nails; however, i'm trying to quit both. i act like a little kid 90% of the time, but i'm not immature. i wanna watch cartoons with you on saturday mornings and play old nes games until 3am. i write stuff, even if it isn't very good. i watched soap operas with my mom in grade school. my glass is half full. i'm always paranoid that i'm in the wrong bathroom, and i hatehate being in the spotlight. public speaking = not for me. i never remember the names of songs i know all the words to. i tend to be a critic. i'm incredibly self-conscious, and (i'll admit it) shallow, but i never ever let that get in the way of things. i have a lot of dreams, and i'd like to help make yours come true. warning: i just might change you. i get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine. i don't bite, so if you want a friend, i'm here for you :D


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last updated: 2.23.11 open as of: 1.27.09 subscribers: 1734 # of posts: 121 quotes: 4,065 graphics: 4,909 icons: 309 friends: 667 total comments: 1254 [x] 1500 subscribers [ ] 2000 subscribers [ ] finish school! [ ] get a YMCA pass, run almost daily [x] broaden my musical horizons [ ] start drawing more [ ] write down creative thoughts [x] post almost daily!


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read my profile sign my guestbook Name: Jessica Location: United States Birthday: 6/4/1993 Gender: Female Member Since: 1/27/2009

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Friday, January 20, 2012

	I want to come back to xanga sometimes. Here's how I feel right now. and yet I'm still inspired.
	3:28 PM - 2030 views - 6 eprops - 3 comments - email it

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

	Second semester at college. I've already answered the question, "Who am I?" I did this a long time ago. Heck, I know the answer to that question probably better than most people. The question now becomes: "Who do I want to be?" To that, I have no idea at the moment. I just needed to post this somewhere.
	2:13 PM - 2444 views - 4 eprops - 3 comments - email it

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

	Wtf jessica DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHAT STORE THIS IS?!? so far I think the best shot might be buckle, but on their website I can't find many clothes like these, and I want like 99% of the stuff in this picture. keep giving suggestions guys :D even if it isn't this exact store, name any store that sells awesome clothing like this. I'd appreciate it so hardcore. I'm rebuilding myself.
	10:48 AM - 13929 views - 50 eprops - 35 comments - email it

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Octopuses have three hearts.

hmmm.
disney movies fix everything, don't they?

I guess they don't, but they certainly don't hurt.

-----------------------------------------

“But I don’t wanna die now. It ain’t long enough. Sixteen years ain’t gonna be long enough. Hell, I wouldn’t care so much if there hadn’t been so many things I haven’t done yet. So many damn things I ain’t seen or done.”
-The Outsiders

How do you write about feathers? The magic of dreamcatchers? The art of dreaming? How do you write about nightmares that haunt you? Ghosts from your past? Clouds in the sky? The swirls of smoke from a cigarette? The blood that rushes thought you? Your heart beating? I want to tell you about my demons. The thoughts that lurk in the back of my mind. The things I see in the shadows. My innermost wishes. My vices, my faults. Everything that makes me who I am.

I want something random, indescribable, beautiful, unexpected. I want to be caught off guard, and swept impossibly too high off my feet.

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

We have these earthly bodies. We don't know what they want. Half the time, we pretend they are under our mental thumb, but that is the illusion of the healthy and the protected. Of sedate lovers. For the body has emotions it conceives and carries through without concern for anyone or anything else. Love is one of those, I guess.

“I’ve spent my whole life waiting for something else to start. Now I realise that this is all there is, and I’m going to try to live my life like that.”
-Garden State

He put it on me, I put it on like there was nothing wrong. It didn't fit, it wasn't right. Wasn't just the size. They say you know when you know. I don't know.

I like the stars. It's the illusion of permanence, I think. I mean, they're always flaring up and caving in and going out. But from here, I can pretend...I can pretend that things last. I can pretend that lives last longer than moments. Gods come, and gods go. Mortals flicker and flash and fade. Worlds don't last; and stars and galaxies are transient, fleeting things that twinkle like fireflies and vanish into cold and dust. But I can pretend.

I don't exactly want to make people know more, though I know that is the noblest ambition, but I'd love to make them have a pleasanter time because of me.. to have some little joy or happy thought that would never have existed if I hadn't been born.

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
-Ashley Smith

To sum up the past year, I would basically remember the mornings I had you in mind while getting dressed. The hours we spent talking. The flirty texts we exchanged. The hugs, the smiles, and all the good times. I mean, yeah, it didn't work out the way I really wanted it to, but I'm not going to remember you in a bad way. Other guys I've dated, I say they're assholes, but you're different. We didn't work out, but I still love you as a person. You're still incredible in my mind. And you always will be.

A novel is like a dream in which everyone is you. They’re all parts of yourself.

I want these butterflies to rush through my esophagus and choke me. I want them to shatter like fireworks through my eyes so that maybe you can understand how intimidating you can be when I stand on your porch unable to tell you that I would sing down the moon if you asked me to.

"Remember Cedric. Remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy, remember what happened to a boy who was good, and kind, and brave, because he strayed across the path of Lord Voldemort. Remember Cedric Diggory."

I want to know it’s you when I hear your voice inside my head, inside my room and I want to touch the sky. I want to see the stars twinkle like they were your eyes but I’ll find my way because you showed me how. I want to smell your scent. I want to breathe the air I did before you left. I want to wish you well. The only reason my heart beats is because you showed it how.

“I think if you like somebody you have to tell them. It might be embarrassing to say it, but you will never regret stepping up. I know from personal experience, however, that you should not keep telling a girl that you like her after she tells you she isn’t into it. You should not keep riding your bike by her house either.”
-Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

A photo says, you were happy, and I wanted to catch that. A photo says, you were so important to me that I put down everything else to come watch.

“In the end it always came back to this. They’d found each other when they were very young and they had clung to each other from that moment on, riding their choices with the conviction of those who are determined never to be wrong. She’d made her bed a long time ago, and now who was she to complain that it wasn’t comfortable anymore?”

I understood why she did it. At that moment I knew why people tagged graffiti on the walls of neat little houses and scratched the paint on new cars and beat up well-tended children. It was only natural to want to destroy something you could never have.

“I felt something catch in my throat, a sudden surge of sadness that caught me unaware, almost taking my breath away. That was the thing - you never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think its reconciled, accepted - someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again.”
-Sarah Dessen

“People think dreams aren’t real because they aren’t made of matter, of particles. Dreams are real. But they’re made of viewpoints, of images, of memories and puns and lost hopes…”
-John Dee

What they say is, life goes on, and that is mostly true. The mail is delivered and the Christmas lights go up and the ladders get put away and you open yet another box of cereal. In time, the volume of my feelings would be turned down in gentle increments to a near quiet, and yet the record would still spin, always spin.

“The man of my dreams has almost faded now. The one I have created in my mind. The sort of man each woman dreams of, in the deepest and most secret reaches of her heart. I can almost see him now before me. What would I say to him if he were really here? "Forgive me. I have never known this feeling. I have lived without it all my life. Is it any wonder then, I failed to recognise you? You, who brought it to me for the first time. Is there any way that I can tell you how my life has changed? Any way at all to let you know what sweetness you have given me? There is so much to say. I cannot find the words. Except for these, “I love you.” Such would I say to him if he were really here.”
-Somewhere in Time

Do you ever sit and think, what if? What if you had never said the first hello, or what if our paths never crossed? What if you kept your mouth shut and just let things pass? What if you had just five more minutes? What if you could turn back time and make it all stand still? Where would your life be? Better? Worse? Less confused? More confused? Happier? Sadder? Just, what if?

A perfectly healthy sentence, it is true, is extremely rare. For the most part we miss the hue and fragrance of the thought; as if we could be satisfied with the dews of the morning or evening without their colors, or the heavens without their azure.

And I've been spending all my time composing letters to a boy who lives a thousand miles away, but writing never takes the place of living, and I need his arms, I need his smile again.

“I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.”

We know so very little about this strange planet we live on, this haunted world where all answers lead only to more mystery.

"That's just the way I see it. It's the man's job to be romantic and think of things to do for you and spend money and take you out. And you ought to wear pretty things."

My ship went down in a sea of sound. When I woke up alone, I had everything, a handful of moments I wished I could change and a tongue like a nightmare that cut like a blade. In a city of fools, I was careful and cool but they tore me apart like a hurricane. A handful of moments I wished I could change but I was carried away.

“We travel for romance, we travel for architecture, and we travel to be lost.”
-Ray Bradbury

They dream of men with gentle hands, eloquent with tenderness, fingers that brushed along a cheek, that outlined open lips in the lovers' braille. Hands that sculpted sweetness from sullen flesh, that traced breasts and ignited hips, opening, kneading. Flesh becomes bread in the heat of those hands, braided and rising.

A novel can leave me indifferent, yet one single word, if used correctly, can make me die. I take things which are so little, and make them so big. I kill myself, feeling by feeling.

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me, cause I'm still trying to figure it out. Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking, trying to see through the rain coming down. Even though I'm not the only one who feels the way I do - I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know. I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on. I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in this world.

I believe in kindness. Also in mischief. Also in singing, especially when singing is not necessarily prescribed.

Let's complain about how much life sucks. But how much of it is actually bad? Sure, the guy of our dreams may have broken our hearts, but what about the millions of other people who have a broken life. They didn't ask for any of this. We did. We allowed ourselves to trust the guy that everyone else was warning us about. We let him control our emotions. The other people didn't ask for their lives to be ruined. But look at us anyways. We're complaining and whining about a life that's pretty damn great. We can get up on our feet and move forward. Where are the others going?

“Because it’s the end of a part of your life, a part of your life that when you started it you believed would always be wonderful, and would always be happy. And when you have to face up to the fact that that isn’t going to happen anymore it’s sad, it makes you want to cry.”

I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have. The days have come and gone, our lives went by so fast. I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor, where I laid and told you, but you swear you loved me more. Do you care if I don't know what to say? Will you sleep tonight, will you think of me? Will I shake this off, pretend it's all okay? That there's someone out there who feels just like me.. there is.

That kind of tenderness couldn't be permitted to last. You only got a taste, enough to know what perfection meant, and then you paid for it the rest of your life.

The bad news is, your choices and intentions, some people and places, those nights spent awake and all you've done, can lead you to the bottom of the pit. The good news is, this wouldn't be the first time someone's crawled, tooth and nail, out of hell.

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poll: how do you cheer yourself up?

10:58 PM - 5738 views - 26 eprops - 16 comments - email it

Friday, February 18, 2011

Pretending to eat food can reduce your cravings for it.

I think I need xanga. I felt it pulling me, I always do when things get bad, but sometimes I just can't do it.
I think it's because I never got caught up on my subs, but I refuse to skip over any, so I'm stuck in august of last year and I go through like 5 pages every couple of months and it only keeps getting worse.

I'm going to try, though, to catch up and to come back because I want to more than anything.
well, there's a lot of things I want more than anything. I guess that is kind of impossible.

anyways, I'll vent in pictures I didn't take and words I haven't written.
that seems to be what I've been needing to do.

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Don’t miss out on what's happening now because you are waiting for something better to come along. You can’t live for the future, just like you can’t live in the past.

Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else? With nobody in your bed, the night is hard to get through.

She was the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; not the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it's there, because it can't hurt, because what difference does it make?

Please don’t tell me I should hug. Don’t tell me I should care. Don’t tell me just how grand I’d feel if I just learned to share. Don’t say, “It’s all right to cry,” “Be kind,” “Be fair,” “Be true,” Just let me see you do it, then I just might do it too.

“I close my eyes, wanting to get us back to how we were. I’m not really mad at him. I’m mad at myself, that I do these things and then pretend I don’t. I spend half my life lying about who I am and what I want. I don’t even know who I am most of the time.”

No. No, you can’t… STOP. Please don’t go away. Please? No one’s ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave… if you leave… I just, I remember things better with you. I do, look. P. Sherman, forty-two… forty-two… I remember it, I do. It’s there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it. And-and I look at you, and I… and I’m home. Please… I don’t want that to go away. I don’t want to forget.

A guy out there was meant to be the love of your life, your best friend, your soul mate, the one you can tell your dreams to. He'll brush the hair out of your eyes. Send you flowers when you least expect it. He'll stare at you during the movies, even though he paid $8 to see it. He'll call to say goodnight or just cause he is missing you. He'll look in your eyes and tell you, you're the most beautiful girl in the world, and for the first time in your life, you'll believe it.
-Nicholas Sparks

"I am no longer afraid of becoming lost, because the journey back always reveals something new and that is ultimately good for the soul."

Having sex is overrated, so is always getting wasted. Designer drugs and dead end jobs, and classic rock is so outdated. I'm so sick of therapy and all the things it's done to me. Maybe the problem is me. But I won’t make believe, and I can’t take this mediocrity. What if this is a test, and I deserve what I get?

"You can't wait for someone to fly underneath you and save your life. I think you have to save yourself."

There's a reason to live and there's a reason to die. There's a reason to stay and there's a reason to fly. You don't know what you want but you can't say goodbye. There's a reason to give and there's a reason to try now. It's all gone and you're feeling alone. You can't look back but you can't go home.

This is life. People have crises, they push each other's buttons, they inflict pain on one another. And once in a fucking blue moon they bring out the best in each other. But mostly, they bring out the worst.

It was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?

“No one actually needs another person or another person’s love to survive. Love is when we have irrationally convinced ourselves that we do.”
-Gabrielle Zevin

"I mean that I was in love with the city, the way you love the first person who ever touches you and you never love anyone quite that way again."

If you're looking over your shoulder then you don't need to be with me. And I don't need to hold on.

I know I need to get a grip, but without you I’ve got nothing to hold on to.

Let's become little old ladies together- we'll stay up late looking at old pictures, telling "remember when" stories, and laughing till our sides ache. Let's become eccentric together- the kind of old ladies who take long walks, wear silly hats, and get away with acting outrageous in public places. And if anybody should ask how long we've been friends, we'll say, "Oh, forever - since before you were even born!" Let's become little old ladies together- because a friendship that's as special as ours can only grow better through the years.

There's a place in my heart that won't kiss you goodbye, that can't accept the truth that things aren't working out as planned. It's so hard to admit that I drove you away with all this negativity, this anger everyday. Your heart doesn't belong to me. I know I don't have the right to bug you with how this feels. It's just the hardest thing I've ever been through, nothing's ever felt so real.

“All that he had of her was his memory, where he held every moment, every single moment that she had been his. That was all he had, to keep out the loneliness.”

“Without him, though, nothing I enjoyed before matters, not my writing, not a lovely summer day, not the stacks of uncracked books in the local bookstore. I grip my stomach, in physical pain from the grief I’ve caused myself. I’m a hollow shell. I’m nothing.”

Please show me something that can shake my bones. I want to feel the fear rush through my veins. My hands are cold from holding on to hopes, even ghosts have gone away. It's all the same.

Sandra’s seen a leprechaun, Eddie touched a troll, Laurie danced with witches once, Charlie found some goblins’ gold. Donald heard a mermaid sing, Susy spied an elf, but all the magic I have known I’ve had to make myself.

Don’t you dare tell me nothing matters. Everything matters. Every fucking drop of rain, every ray of sunlight, every wisp of cloud matters. And they matter because I can see them. And if I can see them, then they can see me. And I know that there’s an entire world that cares out there, hiding behind a world that doesn’t, afraid to show who it really is. And with or without you, I will drag that world out of the dirt and the blood and the muck until we live in it. Until we all live in it.

“For what it’s worth: It’s never too late, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have strength to start all over again.”
-Benjamin Button

The pearls weren't really white, they were a warm oyster beige, with little knots in between so if they broke, you only lost one. I wished my life could be like that, knotted up so that even if something broke, the whole thing wouldn't come apart.

There's a difference between being two-faced and not liking someone yet respecting them.

Some things you don't know you miss until, out of nowhere, you have them back, or have them back but all wrong. The way, after a dream, where you've kissed someone who, in real life, you'll never kiss again, maybe you've never kissed at all, you wake up and realise, in the throbbing pit of your stomach, how impossible it is to live without kissing them again.

Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.

Well, I really don't have much to say. Heartbroken, yes. Upset, yes. Tired, hell yes. But getting through life with all these struggles? Been there, done that. I'm used to these feelings, & I know exactly how to deal with everything that life throws at me. But hopefully, sometime soon, I won't have to go through half the emotions I have to right now.

-----------------------------------------

poll: ask me a question.

9:10 PM - 3072 views - 16 eprops - 11 comments - email it

Next 5 >>

I want to come back to xanga sometimes.

Second semester at college.

Wtf jessica

Octopuses have three hearts.

Pretending to eat food can reduce your cravings for it.